How The Joker Stole Christmas
by The Queen of Mean
Summary: The Joker Hated Christmas, The Whole Christmas Season...Now, Please Don't Ask Why, No One Quite Knows The Reason...Parody of Dr. Seuss' 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' JnJ holiday oneshot, rated M for language. RnR please!
1. SlayBells Ring

The Joker hated Christmas,

The whole Christmas season.

Now please, don't ask why,

No one quite knows the reason.

It could have been that his head wasn't screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

But I think, that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small…

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" JAAAAAAAAAYDE!"

The sound of her name being squealed from the doorway woke Jayde with a start, only seconds before a heavy, lanky body came crashing down just beside her and both bounced heavily from the recoil of Joker's Superman-style flying leap onto the bed. He was giggling excitedly through his nose in a way she had only heard him do when he was truly beside himself with eagerness but as Jayde groaned, burying her face into the toasty warm blankets, he huffed impatiently through his nose, almost like a young boy on Christmas morning.

"Come on, get up!" he exclaimed, throwing most of his strength into shaking Jayde's shoulder with much more force than was necessary. "You have to see what's outside!"

Another muffled groan of annoyance escaped Jayde into the thick comforter as she buried her face further into it, lazily allowing Joker to rock her back and forth vigorously.

"Noo…." She moaned. "It's probably just another dead homeless guy…I'm not interested." She then added, quickly thinking back to the week before when Joker had used this same tactic to wake her up after he had found a dead, partially frozen bum laying in the street on the Lincoln side of the house. He had been just as excited for that event so Jayde had to admit, she was a little skeptical. But as Joker growled impatiently yet again, she had to bury her face further into the pillow to hide the grin that had appeared there.

"No, it's not a dead guy, I swear!" he explained, the excitement in his voice causing it to sound higher and more clowny than usual, although a moment later, he paused, his tone dropping dramatically. "Although that was pretty cool, I don't know why you didn't think-…" his voice trailed off midway through his recollection of the incident from the prior week as though just remembering that he was trying to get her up. "Look, it's really cool, just…get up and come outside. I promise it's worth it…"

And with that, he bounced away, back off of the bed, before he left the room, the tails of his long black coat trailing behind him as he disappeared, leaving Jayde to stare after him. A heavy sigh escaped through her nose as she sat up and pushed the blankets off of her with a roll of her sleepy eyes…This had better be really awesome…

Minutes later, Jayde was opening the front door, staring blankly out at the giant snow bank that had built itself in the front yard overnight, carpeting the normally dead, brown grass in a foot high blanket of fluffy white powder. Clutching her coat to her chest, she took one step outside, shivering as the frigid, frozen concrete patio floor stung her socked feet.

"Is this what's supposed to be so amazing?" she called to the seemingly empty front yard, her eyes scanning the bank of snow and powdery street corner beyond it. "I have seen snow before…" she then added, taking another two steps out past the porch and onto the cracked pathway. When no answer came, her eyebrows furrowed across her forehead. "…Joker?"

Then suddenly, without warning, a loud cackle of maniacal laughter cracked the thin air and before Jayde could move or duck out of the way, a giant, frozen ball of icy snow collided with the side of her face, exploding upon impact in a puff of powdery slush. Jayde screamed, turning her back to where Joker had just jumped up out of the bank of snow, from behind his crude, hastily assembled bunker.

"OW!" she yelled, reaching up to brush the snow and ice from her shoulders and hair. "Seriously? That's what you got me up for?" With her back still turned, Jayde could vaguely hear the sound of Joker's clowny laughter, accompanied now by the trudging sound of him approaching clumsily through the thigh-high bank of snow toward her.

"No, no…Sorry, baby, I got you up to give you this…" he said a few moments later, his voice now at its normal level and volume, the way it usually was when he was trying to be serious or attempting to be romantic. His surprisingly gentle hand rested on her shoulder from behind, so Jayde turned slowly, grinning, foolishly thinking he had used the previous snowball as a clever and unknowingly romantic way to give her some sort of gift. But as she turned her head to look up at him, his heavy, gloved hand came down on the top of her head, smashing another ball of freezing, partially melted snow into her hair. A loud war-like scream erupted from Jayde as he let out a crazed squeal of laughter and as he turned to run, she swung out to hit him but missed, nearly knocking herself off balance.

Evil, manic laughter rang out as Joker bounded back out into the bank of snow but this time, Jayde followed, stumbling and tripping her way after him through the field of powder that nearly reached her hips. And as Joker approached his snowball bunker, he glanced back over his shoulder to gauge how far behind she had fallen but staggered on a particularly strong drift of snow and fell backward, laughing as Jayde fell after him, landing heavily on his chest as they both sank into the soft, cottony powder. Joker reached above him for a quick handful of snow, but Jayde was a bit quicker and hastily used her bare hands to shovel as much of the snow into his face as she could. By now, her squeals had morphed into laughter and as Joker blindly flung handfuls of snow into the air, clearly hoping one would hit her, she sat up, pinning him into the bank with her red, wet hands on his shoulders.

Below her, Joker was shaking his head roughly, sputtering as he tried to blink snow out of his eyes, and Jayde watched from above, grinning victoriously as he finally managed to look up at her breathlessly. He sighed with a silly, playful grin, the ends of his green hair strewn out and contrasting starkly against the white all around them.

"Really nice of you to get me out of the warm bed for this," she told him sarcastically, frowning down at him as he laughed, nodding triumphantly.

"I'm a nice guy, what can I say?" he asked, grinning as Jayde rolled her eyes.

"No, you're not." She answered flatly, shaking her head and Joker copied her a second later, his animated grin falling dramatically into a frown.

"No, I'm not." He repeated.

All giggles and laughter aside, Jayde could not help but smile down at him as he stared up at her, his amber brown eyes more vivid than usual in the gray overcast light from overhead and the white backdrop he was laying against. It seemed, like usual, he was hoping she would kiss him but did not know how to ask for it, but instead of waiting for her to read his mind and lean down, he let out a rough laugh from between his teeth, reaching up with both hands to grab her upper arms and tug her down to him, catching both of her lips with his cold, wet ones. Jayde struggled hard not to giggle against his mouth, but merely return the affection, mildly surprised that he had taken such aggressive action to show her what he wanted. It seemed that purely time had made him more comfortable and open with her, to the point where he seemed to no longer care what she or anyone else thought.

This was truly neither the time nor place where a passionate, open-mouthed kiss would have been appropriate, seeing how both of them had started to shiver slightly but as Jayde opened her mouth just barely, to let Joker's tongue lightly trace the contour of her lip, she had to force herself not to grin further when her hand moved slowly from his shoulder to the bank of snow beyond his head. Fortunately, Joker seemed completely distracted so after Jayde had balled up a wad of powdery snow in her hand, she pulled back quickly, only to smash the slush down on his face. The ball exploded against his cheek as Jayde sat up, giggling as Joker groaned, his eyes squeezed shut.

"You…" he paused to use his tongue to spray some of the icy particles from his mouth. "-are so going to pay for that…" he then finished in a growl, twitching momentarily as the cold really started to settle in. Again, Jayde giggled, clamping her arms over her chest as she shivered.

"Ok, but can we go inside now? I'm freezing." She stated, poking out her bottom lip. Joker nodded hastily, sitting up as she moved.

"Yeah, me too."

After trudging their way through the snow toward the front of the house and after Joker had paused to shove Jayde backwards back into the high bank, both shivered and sniffled as they stepped quickly out of their wet clothes and into sets of warm, dry jeans and long sleeved shirts. With their wet clothing clumped together into a pile in her arms to be taken to the dryer, Jayde paused at the doorway to the bedroom, frowning slightly as she turned to watch as Joker applied his favorite leather-strapped wristwatch, something he only wore if he was planning to leave the house. She turned to face him, cocking her head to the side slightly in confusion.

"Are you leaving?" she asked, hoping painfully hard that he was about to shake his head. However, when he looked up from his wrist with his eyebrows raised, she sighed, her hopeful expression drooping. "Oh yeah…You told me last night…Do you really have to?" she asked in a murmur, putting on a playful, rather childish pout as she dropped the pile of clothes at the door with a disappointed huff. Her arms folded again over her middle, her shoulder colliding gently with the frame of the door as he nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes, I am," he answered, taking a step toward her, his shoulders hunched slightly. "Yes, I did…he went on, answering each of her statements individually as he grew closer. "And yes…I do." He finally concluded, his hands circling her waist as he finally reached her, rising to his full height to tower over her and pull her upright from leaned sideways against the door. Jayde's arms and frown remained firmly in their places, causing Joker's smirk to fall dramatically into a falsely remorseful pout.

"Jeez, Jayde, I'm sorry…" he growled, inching his feet further apart to lower himself and be more at her level, rocking his hips back and forth slowly, rocking her along with him. "But seeing how I just gave you nearly two grand to buy…whatever, I gotta go out and make it all back, see?" he asked, bouncing his eyebrows as he brought up one hand to wiggle his fingers demonstratively. For several seconds, Jayde stared blankly up at his animated face, her eyes bouncing back and forth between his brown ones before she sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Fine…" she eventually groaned, allowing him to pull her forward so she could wrap her arms around his broad shoulders. "I was gonna go out today anyways…"

Abruptly, Joker pulled back from their hug, a new and confused frown wrinkling his forehead and tugging downward on the scarred corners of his mouth. Jayde had to try really hard not to grin; of all of his expressions, this was her favorite.

"To where, might I ask?" he asked, although his tone of voice suggested that he was not attempting to be the slightest bit polite with his question. Jayde giggled, glancing down to watch her hands travel along the soft material of his thermal shirt over his strong upper arms.

"Shopping," she answered with a half-shrug, her voice light and innocent. "Gotta go spend your money if you're just gonna go make some more." And with that, she rose up onto her very tip toes, leaving him with one light peck on the lips before she hopped away to the bathroom, shooting a quick grin over her shoulder in his direction, only to find him smirking after her.

Twenty minutes later, after assuring Jayde that he would be home before three that afternoon, Joker grinned to himself as he backed out of the driveway, wondering how it had suddenly become alright with him to spoil his girl rotten. A few days prior, she had put to words very delicately and cautiously that she would like to get some new clothes and makeup, insisting that she had been using the same stick of eyeliner for over a year now. Joker believed her, seeing how he had only just been laughing at her tiny, three inch long eyeliner pencil a few days before that. He had even gone so far as to jokingly suggest that she could borrow some of his black greasepaint if she really needed it. Jayde had not found this offer amusing.

So Joker had gone about pulling seventeen hundred dollars from his admittedly plentiful stash of money and given it to her, on the sole condition that she buy at least one article of clothing that would…please him. Now, as he pulled the Corvette from the driveway and onto Lincoln avenue, he smirked to himself, privately admitting that he was already somewhat excited to get home and see what she bought.

Fifteen minutes later, as the rumbling Corvette pulled onto Himes, the main, central street of downtown Chicago, Joker felt the hair on the back of his neck and all along his arms start to prickle and his back teeth ground together hard enough to crack as his eyes scanned the festively decorated street before him, all decked to the nines in red and green banners and lights…He had almost successfully forgotten that it was indeed the twenty-third of December…

Not a street corner nor store front had been overlooked in the seasonal adornments and every single one bore a different string of lights, a differently sized and decorated Christmas tree or painfully obnoxious sign reading 'MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!'. It seemed every car in front of him had slowed down to take in the sights and sounds of the joyful, festive city, leaving Joker to lay on the horn of the Corvette, growling irritably as people waved in his direction, clearly thinking he had been expressing his appreciation for the holiday.

"Fuck _you_," he growled to no one but himself, nodding his head in the direction of one the people now pointing up at the giant, obnoxiously ostentatious Christmas tree in the center of the city. "Fuck _you_ and fuck _you_ too, and fuck you and you and you and-…" His voice trailed off into a heavy, annoyed sigh; there were just too many people out walking around to continue and make himself feel slightly better about being surrounded by so much…joy.

For the remainder of the afternoon, no matter where Joker went, he could hear the painfully cheery music from the city, floating to him and grating his ears like a band of nails on a chalkboard. As long as he could remember, he had hated Christmas, and really the entire month of December as a whole. New Years had never really been a problem as that was always the day he counted himself one year older, but of course, now that Jayde had selected a day for him to view as his birthday, New Years Eve was just another annoying day where people pretended to be happy and actively decided to put up with their family and friends as though they were really enjoying themselves. At the house on the corner of Lincoln and Platt, Tre had always been the one to maybe hang one or two Christmas type decorations up in the house, seeing how it had been a few days before Christmas when his mother had died but he had always been happy to suffer through Joker's constant mocking and 'bah humbug' style attitude. Despite how badly he still missed his best friend, Joker was supremely glad that Jayde had chosen to ignore the Christmas season along with him…just another one of the reasons he liked her so much.

Finally, at around two-thirty that afternoon, with all business and affairs taken care of, Joker breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled the Corvette back into the driveway at the corner of Lincoln and Platt, smirking to himself as he spotted the back of the Escalade, already pulled into the garage and turned off. The giant SUV was silent and as Joker walked past it to the wooden door, he pressed his hand against the hood. It was cool to the touch, informing him that Jayde had already been home for more than an hour and as Joker pushed his key into the lock on the door, his smirk twitched upward into a full-blown grin. Finally, he was away from all that obnoxious Christmas bullshit.

But as the squeaky door swung open into the house, that grin slid quickly and immediately from his face as loud, cheery music met his ears like some horrible déjà vu moment, and the painfully familiar tune of 'Jingle Bell Rock' raised chills of annoyance all along his arms beneath his warm shirt and coat. Stepping further into the house, Joker's jaw went slack as his eyes traveled all along the drop ceiling beyond the kitchen, where someone had decided to hang a lighted string of green garland, twisted with obnoxiously bright, gold and silver tinsel. Ball ornaments had been hung intermittently along the strand and Joker had just noticed a light up, plastic figure of a short fat man in a red suit in the corner when Jayde came bouncing around the corner, with several pieces of tape stuck to the arm of her black sweater.

"Hi!" she squealed over the loud music with a toss of her arms but Joker was already shaking his head, his eyes closed.

"NO." he stated loudly. "NOOOO, we are not doing this. No way." The excited smile fell from Jayde's face with record timing.

"What?" she asked, glancing up at her previously hung decorations with a new, confused frown. "Why not?" she then asked further, turning to follow Joker as he walked past the kitchen and into the living room, still shaking his head adamantly, side-stepping a roll of wrapping paper on the floor. He stopped a few feet from the couch, staring open mouthed at the blinking and flashing string of Christmas lights she had already hung in the window. When he did not answer, she stepped beside him, placing her hands on her hips to scowl up at him. "It's Christmas! We have to have a few-.." she went to explain but Joker finally spoke up, turning from the window to glare down at her.

"No, we don't." he stated, shaking his head again as he walked away from the living room, over into the hallway as though trying to find the one area of the house Jayde had not yet thought to decorate. She followed him, her scowl deepening as she watched him pout sourly at her holiday spirit.

"You don't like Christmas?" she asked, her tone indicating that she had never met someone with a dislike so heinous and unappealing. By now, Joker had folded his arms over his chest obstinately, his eyes still taking in and loathing every single red and green thing she had brought into the house as though they had done him some great personal injustice.

"Correction- I _hate_ Christmas," he answered, finally pulling his eyes from another strand of lit garland she had draped around the flat screen tv against the wall. "It's stupid and…annoying and-…"

At this, Jayde cut in, shaking her head with her eyes closed as though she truly could not understand what he was saying. "How does someone hate Christmas? It's the best time of the year!" she exclaimed, tossing her hands in desperation as Joker walked past her again, practically flinching as he passed a bundle of fake, plastic mistletoe on the bookshelf against the wall in the living room.

"Yeah, a commercially-based season centered around worshipping a mythical figure…" he growled, shooting a reproachful glare over at the plastic Santa Claus in the corner. "You're right! How could someone like _me_ hate Christmas?" he then went on to ask sarcastically, glancing back at Jayde with a bounce of his eyebrows as he rounded the corner into the kitchen. Despite his worsening mood, something in the oven smelled fantastic but he refrained from asking what it was for fear that Jayde would tell him...

"Well, I made Christmas cookies, Mister Grinch, so I guess you don't get to have any." she told him scornfully as though this would change his outlook on the holiday, and walked over to place her hands on his back and push him away from the oven with her nose held high in the air. Joker allowed her to push him but paused once he reached the table, turning to face her and shake his head with a frustrated toss of his hand.

"Where did all this come from anyways? I was hoping you would just sort of miss the fact that it was…Christmas…" he growled, reluctantly finishing his sentence as though even speaking the name of the holiday itself brought him discomfort. Across from him at the stove, Jayde tisked loudly, bending down to glance into the oven and inspect the state of her cookies.

"What do you mean? I love Christmas!" she exclaimed. "It's the one holiday when I really go all out."

"You didn't last year…" Joker grumbled, plopping down into his usual chair at the carved table with a grunt. With a roll of her eyes, Jayde pulled out the tray of cookies, setting the hot metal onto the marble counter with a thud.

"You were in _jail_ last year, remember?" she asked, glancing over at Joker with one of her eyebrows arched sharply. "I wasn't really in the mood to be all holly jolly…" Testily, she reached out, poking at one of the gingerbread-man shaped sugar cookies, grinning to herself as she shrugged. "This year, I am!"

Joker sighed, leaning forward to rest his face in his hands while Jayde busied herself with applying icing to one of the cookies that had already been out and cooled and after a few moments, he looked up as she approached, carrying a small plate.

"So _you_…" she started up again, placing the plate on the table before him with a dull thud. "-will just have to get over it." She then finished, walking away after she had paused momentarily to place a heavy kiss on the top of his green head. Joker glared after her, rolling his eyes as he turned back to the plate, but only to sigh with a reluctant smirk when he noticed the two black circles for eyes, the long, curved red smile and green curly, icing hair she had put on this particular cookie. A moment later, he cleared his throat, fixing his face back into an unamused frown as he pushed the plate away from him. It would be difficult, he might even have to forfeit some of his sexual privileges, but he would thoroughly spoil Christmas for Jayde, if it was the last thing he did…

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A/N: Well, you asked for it! This is the first part of the three part one-shot. The first two 'chapters' will be relatively short, with the third and final 'chapter' being the longest. Each chapter also has music that goes with it. For this one, the music is as follows:

Michael Buble'- Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

Bobby Helms- Jingle Bell Rock

If you want the full playlist, you can find it on playlist . com, under How The Joker Stole Christmas, username The Queen of Mean. Hope everyone is having a fantastic holiday so far! Stay tuned for the next part on Christmas Eve and the final installment on Christmas Day! -QoM


	2. You're a Mean One Mister Joker

As Joker sat up in bed the next morning, he took a deep breath, groaning quietly, comfortably as he brought up both arms above his head, clenching his hands into fists, to crack his knuckles and stretch out his muscles, wincing as his back gave a small pop. Beside him, the place where he usually found Jayde sleeping quietly was not only empty, but cold, as though no one had lay there for quite some time. A confused frown had been seconds from appearing on his face, but was overthrown by a smirk when Joker's nose picked up the scent of something warm and tantalizing, floating back into his bedroom from out in the kitchen. His stomach gave an encouraging rumbling growl, giving him the final push he needed to toss the sheets off of him and slide to the edge of the bed.

The carpet was cool and soft beneath his socked feet, bringing yet another content grin to his face as he curled his toes, groaning happily again as they popped pleasantly. From the silence he noticed coming from the rest of the house as he walked to the bedroom door, it seemed Jayde had finally given up on her Christmas music kick and Joker could not help but allow his grin to expand as he stepped past the threshold and out into the hallway. It seemed he had won his argument and had not even been trying to.

But as he stepped into the opening of the hallway, leading out into the living room, that comfortable smile slid quickly from his face as that nightmarish wonderland of holiday decorations greeted him yet again, all the lights blinking and flashing merrily at him. That plastic Santa Claus in the corner had been turned on at some point and its arm now moved slowly, automatically, waving at him. With great effort, Joker resisted the urge to walk over, break the mechanical arm off and throw it out in the bank of snow beyond the front door. The sound of humming was now gliding to his ears from the kitchen, a tune that sounded an awful lot like 'Silver Bells', but Joker's increasingly strong appetite for whatever Jayde was cooking forced him toward the far end of the living room, despite his hesitation. Dodging past the Christmas decorations with his gaze focused on his destination, Joker hurried through the living room, before pausing at the edge of the kitchen.

For several long moments, Joker stood there and watched the back half of Jayde as she hummed quietly to herself, rocking slightly back and forth as she stirred something in a small sauce pan on the stove. It seemed she had not heard him approaching and Joker was just admiring either his ability to sneak up on people or Jayde's obliviousness when she turned to walk to the table but let out a short squeak of surprise when she noticed him standing there, staring at her blankly. A soft smile jumped to her face as she exhaled in a relieved sigh.

"Hi," she said, watching his face closely as he approached, his gaze now fixed curiously on the bubbling pot of amber brown liquid on the stove behind her. "I'm making breakfast." She explained needlessly a moment later. Joker refrained from giving his first response of 'no shit', to point at the sauce pan of heavenly-scented, gradually thickening liquid.

"Wha's that." He asked, the inflection in his voice giving no indication that this was a question. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Jayde bounce on the balls of her feet once, the way she only did when she was truly excited about something.

"Maple syrup," she answered eagerly, picking up the previously used spoon to stir the pot a few times in a counter clockwise motion. "My mom and I used to make a big batch every Christmas." She then went on to explain, smiling up at Joker, but only to frown heavily when he turned away, rolling his eyes.

"How _darling…" _he growled sarcastically over his shoulder, letting out a short grunt as he dropped down into his usual chair at the heavily carved wooden table. "I thought we said we weren't going to celebrate all this…nonsense…" his hand waved lazily at the obnoxious decorations strung up around him. Across from him at the stove, Jayde turned swiftly to face him, one hand rested dangerously on her hip.

"No, _you _said _you _weren't going to celebrate Christmas," she corrected him sternly. "_I _said that _I am _going to celebrate Christmas." She went on, raising both eyebrows as she turned back to the stove to glance at her bubbling and boiling syrup. "I also said that if you had any sense at all, you would not do _anything _to ruin it for me…" she eventually concluded, once again turning to face him, to send one of those dangerous, 'you think I'm fuckin' with you' sort of glares his way. Despite the sense of impending doom Joker had just received from her words and expression, he snorted indignantly through his nose, rolling his eyes again and he had been about to open his mouth and reply with some sort of smart-ass comment when Jayde's uncompromising expression morphed quickly into a forced, pleasant smile. "Which is _why…" _she said suddenly, loudly, as though she had known Joker was about to cut in. "-YOU are going to go get me a Christmas tree!"

At this, Joker finally let out a loud bark of a laugh, tossing his head slightly as he turned to face her with his left elbow rested on the table next to him.

"Yeah…" he started, furrowing his eyebrows to shake his head quickly. "I foresee me _not _doing that." He growled, still chuckling to himself as he confidently ran his right hand through the front of his green, messy morning hair. Across the kitchen, Jayde's arched eyebrows raised dangerously again, nearly disappearing up into her hairline as she took a step toward him.

"You wanna know what I foresee?" she asked, cocking her head to the side slightly as she took another menacing step in his direction, her hands no longer rested on her hips but instead lowered to either side of her. For a moment, Joker could swear he noticed her start to raise them as if she were about to place them around his neck. She continued, even though Joker had not answered. "I foresee you…in the bedroom…with a sock…every night…for the next. two. weeks…if you don't go get me a Christmas tree. right. now." By the time she finished with her threat, she had made it all the way across the kitchen and now stood right in front of him, leaned down slightly to be perfectly eye level with him, her nose less than a half-foot from his. Joker remained in place although it admittedly took a great deal of effort to stay there. Jayde went on, her eyebrows dropping from raised up on her forehead to arch seriously over her eyes. "Like I said, Joker dear, I go all out for Christmas…so trust me when I say…you do _not _want to find yourself on my naughty list."

And with that, Jayde patted him roughly on the top of his shoulder, flashing him one last grin before she stood up and turned her back to him, walking back over to the stove to stir her nearly completed maple syrup. Joker watched her go, his jaw hanging slightly slack, before he shivered openly and stood up silently to go put on some clothes, figuring at this point, it would just be easier to comply with her demands than to wait and find out the hard way if she was being serious in her threat of withholding sex.

Joker stood in front of his dresser ten minutes later, after quickly brushing his teeth, and he glared down at the selection of clothing in front of him, wondering how the hell Jayde had just managed to convince him it was in his best interest to go find her some god damn tree on which to hang pointless, annoying ornaments. Yes, she had gotten very good at getting the things she wanted from him, but usually, Joker was able to come up with at least two or three reasons why he agreed with her. In _this _particular instance, she wanted him to do something that he had absolutely no desire to do. Not only was it freezing and snowing outside, Joker had quite literally no idea where he was supposed to find a Christmas tree. And what was more, just how in the _fuck _did Jayde expect him to chop it down? As unlikely as it seemed, Joker did not have a chainsaw…He was not sure why; it did seem like the type of thing he would enjoy owning. But then again, Jayde was extraordinarily good at keeping her word and despite himself, Joker had somewhat unknowingly developed a rather strong respect for the woman he shared a house with. So reluctantly, he climbed into a pair of jeans and layered on the shirts before locating his coat and gloves.

Jayde glanced over her shoulder from her now cooling pot of syrup as Joker trudged back into the kitchen, a very sour expression on his scarred yet painfully handsome face. He had clothed himself warmly and was now pausing at the table to lean over and grab the set of Escalade keys from where they lay on the opposite side. Quickly, Jayde turned her head before he could glance over her at her, hoping to hide her proud smile from him and cause him to think that she had enjoyed pressuring him and giving him an ultimatum…even though she _really _had taken pleasure in watching a slight bit of apprehension appear there behind his brown eyes.

But as he left the kitchen and the garage door shut behind him with a firm snap, Jayde's pleased grin slid slowly from her face. Had she actually angered him? From his body language, he did not seem any more mad or harsh than he normally did, seeing how his default physical expression was usually at a level eight or nine on the moodiness scale. Perhaps she was being a bit too expectant of him?…He had openly stated that he hated the Christmas season but still Jayde could not help but feel like if he just spent it with the one person he enjoyed being around and celebrated it the right way, the non-obnoxious way, he might actually start to enjoy it.

A tiny giggle escaped through Jayde's nose as she thought back to the previous night and the blank, highly annoyed expression on Joker's face after she had whipped out a bright red and white, fuzzy Santa hat and stuffed it onto his head. His acid green hair had clashed so horribly with the red, yet looked perfectly festive sitting atop his head and surprisingly, Joker had forced himself to remain seated there at the table, glaring irritably at her for several seconds while she giggled…at least until she jokingly compared him to the Grinch. He had then stood up abruptly and yanked the Santa hat from his head, stalking off back into the bedroom while Jayde rocked back and forth with loud laughter. Despite how adorable he had looked, sitting there miserably while she giggled, she had not even begun to consider asking him to wear it again.

Only a few minutes after he had left, Jayde jumped as the garage door swung open suddenly and Joker stepped in, bringing with him a frigid gust of outdoor air and one…Christmas tree? Jayde turned to face him, her jaw falling slightly slack as he stepped into the kitchen, grinning breathlessly as he held up the spoils of his conquest. The two and a half-foot tall, dead, leaf-less, brown, twiggy tree practically dangled from his hand by the dirt and snow covered roots and Jayde was just taking a slow step toward him when he flipped it right side up and plopped it down, dirt and all, on the carved, wooden table.

"Ta-da!" he exclaimed, holding out both hands toward the pathetic, dead tree, turning his head to grin excitedly at her. "Isn't it _lovely?" _he then asked, bringing both hands up to link together beneath his chin, as though he were really overwhelmed by the majesty of this dead, ugly shrub of a tree. Across from him, Jayde was shaking her head, her eyes widened slightly.

"_No…" _she answered, tossing one hand at the tree, the roots of which were now dripping melting snow all over her previously clean hardwood floor. "Are you serious? It's hideous. That's…It's…I…I _hate _it!" she eventually cried, after stammering for several seconds for a word that appropriately displayed how much she disliked the dead bush he had pulled out of the ground. Joker's sarcastically enthusiastic grin fell quickly into an offended frown as he glanced back and forth between her face and the tree he was still holding upright on the dining table.

"Aw, don't say _that_," he growled, motioning at the dead tree with is free hand. "It's a _beautiful _tree! Look!" At that, Joker reached up above Jayde's head, pulling down one of the shiny, red ball ornaments to place it delicately by the hook on one of the stronger of the dead tree's brown twigs. He then held out his hand again, demonstrating how delightful this looked. "See? It's pretty!"

By now, the stunned and offended look on Jayde's face faded into nothingness and she stepped forward, shaking her head as she pulled the ball ornament from the tree and picked it up by the top, to carry it over toward the front door. Joker frowned, watching her go confusedly.

"Just forget it…" she murmured sadly as she opened the front door to toss the dead tree out into the bank of snow, before turning into the living room to begin pulling down the garland and lights she had put up the day before. Joker followed her, tossing his hands as he tried desperately hard not to grin.

"What?" he asked innocently; he had not expected his plan to work this quickly. Jayde was still shaking her head as she walked past him, back into the kitchen with a large bundle of deconstructed Christmas decorations in her arms.

"It's obvious you're not going to let me enjoy it, so why bother?" she asked quietly, her voice carrying that awful tone of hurt that Joker _so _hated. "I should've just taken everything down yesterday when you came home…sorry." She went on to add, now stuffing all the garland, lights and ball ornaments into the trashcan beneath the sink. The hint of a smirk that had been playing with Joker's face was no longer present and instead, he watched blankly as Jayde shuffled sadly past him, back into the living room. As she went, he could almost swear he noticed the corners of her eyes appeared a bit shiny and moist but by the time he figured out that she had actually been so hurt by his attempt to sabotage Christmas that she was now about to cry, she had already made it to the bedroom door and closed it behind her.

"_Jayyyde…" _Joker called after her, rolling his eyes upward to close them frustratedly. "Jayde, come back out here." he called again, but no answer came. A low groan heaved his chest as he sighed and walked over to the couch, privately supposing he should just be happy all the Christmas shit was now presently tucked into the circle file beneath the sink. Sure, Jayde would go brood and watch tv for an hour or two, then she would come shuffling back into the living room and curl up next to him on the couch…then life could go on as planned, without so much as even a hint of the word 'Christmas'.

The hours ticked by, slowly, uneventfully and by the time four in the afternoon rolled around, without so much as even a noise from the bedroom, Joker sighed, rolling his eyes heavily as the only non-Christmas movie he had managed to find on TV came to an end. Jayde had only emerged once, nearly two hours prior, but only to take a shower, passing the entrance to the hallway twice without so much as a glance in his direction, before she returned to the bedroom and closed the door behind her again. So with his curiosity getting the better of him, Joker stood up from the couch, after turning off the tv and walked over to the hallway, where he paused to lean in and listen closely for any sound coming from inside the bedroom.

A quiet voice spoke from beyond the door, muffled and strange, as though from a speaker and as Joker strained his ears, he vaguely recognized the voice of Dotcom. As tempted as he was to burst in through the door, he waited, listening.

"-did you really expect him to?"

There was a pause before he heard Jayde sigh heavily.

"No, but I didn't think he would be so mean about it…" she answered solemnly. "I mean, it's Christmas! I know he doesn't like it but I didn't think he would go out of his way to ruin it for me." Again she paused, and Joker could just picture her rolling her eyes. "He's just a mean person…I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different."

At this, Joker could not help himself and instead of waiting to see what other sort of shit they could say about him, he turned the knob and pushed the door open, mildly surprised to find that it was unlocked. He paused on the threshold, his eyes immediately finding Jayde, seated on the bed in her usual spot, her phone rested on her chest, one hand rested on her knee, while the other held a small brush, applying red polish to her nails. Her eyes met his and widened slightly, although Joker hoped from the expression she found on his face, she could see he was not mad.

"Hey, I gotta go." She said to the speaker phone but before Dotcom could answer, she reached up, pressing the pad of her thumb to the red button, ending the call. "Hey…" she then murmured, pulling her gaze away from him to look back down and focus on painting her pinky nail. Joker did not answer but instead walked over, falling onto his hands and knees to crawl up toward her on the bed. Jayde did not pull her eyes away to look at him, which only encouraged Joker to try harder to get her attention.

"_Jaaaayde…" _he growled in a deep, sing-song sort of voice, inching toward her on his stomach until he could rest the side of his face against her leg. Again, she did not pull her eyes away to look at him but merely raised her eyebrows in silent indication that she was listening, however, this was clearly not enough for Joker. He inched closer yet again, softening his gaze into a perfect, puppy-dog-like expression as he rested his head in her lap sideways. "Jayde, are you _mad _at me?" he asked clownily, staring up at her as she struggled to apply a second coat to her nails around his green hair.

"Nope." She answered a bit too quickly to seem honest and Joker's soft gaze melted into a frown.

"Liar." He stated, now moving both of his arms to wrap beneath her raised knees and behind her back, to link his hands together on her opposite side. Above him, Jayde was shaking her head.

"I'm not mad…" she started. Joker forced himself not to roll his eyes. _Here comes the 'but'…_ "-but I wish you hadn't rained on my parade and ruined my Christmas." She then finished, still keeping her eyes away from him and focused on her hand rested on her knee. At this, Joker sat up slightly, frowning confusedly as he glanced back and forth between her expressionless eyes.

"Because I brought you a dead tree? _That _ruined your Christmas?" he asked incredulously, finding it rather hard to believe that something so simple had so thoroughly doused her spirit, when she was usually impervious to his conniving and somewhat underhanded ways. Above him, she shook her head with a disappointed sigh.

"No, your _attitude_ ruined my Christmas. Even if I had kept everything up and went on the way I was going, you wouldn't have stopped and…I just don't feel like trying to fight you for it." She finally explained, shrugging again as Joker's frown deepened. "Christmas is about spending time with your loved ones but if my 'loved one' isn't willing to cooperate then…there's just no point." At this, she twisted the cap to her nail polish back on then looked down at him. "So no…I'm not mad at you…just disappointed."

Joker groaned exasperatedly, pressing his forehead against her leg. "I _hate _it when you say that…" he growled, shaking his head slowly back and forth. Above him, he felt Jayde take a deep breath in through her nose before she exhaled heavily in a sigh.

"Well, stop disappointing me and I wont say it anymore."

When Joker left the bedroom a few minutes later, he closed the door behind him, frowning as Jayde's words echoed in the back of his mind. Did he really disappoint her that much? It seemed stupid, but she had to have known he would be this way about holidays, after he had treated his own, created birthday with such distaste. Sure, he had put up with it just to get through it and had been elated when Jayde skated over Thanksgiving without even mentioning turkey or pumpkin pie, but Christmas was just too much for him. His plan had succeeded, he had won his plight and effectively ruined Jayde's attempts at celebrating her favorite holiday…He had gotten what he wanted…_So why do I feel bad?_

The remainder of that day passed at a horrible, uneventful crawl, with Jayde keeping her distance from Joker in a very adamant and yet underhanded, passive-aggressive way. She did eventually emerge from the bedroom, but only to go about making dinner quietly, to not sit down and eat but instead go through the house, cleaning and straightening things that did not need straightening, clearly in an effort to keep herself busy. And being the smart man that he was, Joker kept his mouth shut and stayed a safe distance from her, knowing full well that she was already feeling edgy and…_disappointed. _It was definitely in his best interest to just let her have her space.

That whole evening, Joker floated between the garage and the couch, feeling restless and awkward with this strange, somewhat remorseful feeling lingering in the pit of his stomach and back of his mind. Absolutely no Christmas decorations remained in the house, besides what had been tossed in the trash, and yet Joker could not feel completely satisfied with how his plan had turned out. Jayde did not seem openly upset but Joker knew her well enough by now to know that when she was the most deeply offended or hurt by something, she gave no outward sign of her emotions…that was when she was particularly dangerous. He could very easily predict the next few days at the house, most clearly, the next day, December 25th…She would be thinking about all the fun and joy she could be having making breakfast and listening to Christmas music, thinking wistfully back on all her Christmas mornings with her family and friends, and there Joker would sit, like some horrible, green-haired monster that ruined it all for her. Her words to him would be scarce and could probably be counted on two hands. He would make a joke or say something, or even dare himself to kiss her and she would huff irritably and walk away…Joker sighed as he pictured this. _God damnit…_If there was only someway he could fix this, without compromising his way of life and beliefs, someway he could make it up to her without breaking down and buying any trees or stupid decorations…

And then the Joker had an idea…a _wonderful _idea…The Joker had a wonderful, _awful _idea…

With Jayde busy in the kitchen, Joker quietly stood from the couch, glancing back over his shoulder as he slunk stealthily from the room to the hallway and into the bedroom where he found his phone sitting on the dresser. It had not been turned on since the day before so after pressing his thumb down on the red button and waiting for the software to load, he crept back through the living room, again glancing toward the kitchen to see where Jayde had gone. Fortunately, she was now busy standing at the counter, flipping through a magazine and eating her dinner so Joker took advantage of her momentary distraction to open the front door and step outside, hissing slightly as the cold air stung his exposed neck and face.

After locating the number he needed, he pressed the green button and held the phone to his ear, bouncing impatiently on the balls of his feet as he waited for a voice on the other end of the phone. It rang and rang and just as Joker growled frustratedly and folded one arm across his chest with a shiver, a deep, black-guy voice answered.

"What up, my nigga…" answered Tiny, his voice strained as though he had just taken a large hit from a blunt and was holding his breath.

"Hey…" Joker growled into the phone, taking a few steps to the side to glance quickly through the window. Jayde was still standing at the counter with her back to the front door. "How'd you and D-boy like to help me do somethin' tonight…" he asked, watching from behind half-lidded eyes as his breath escaped him in a large cloud of condensation. There was a pause before Joker heard Tiny call out.

"Ay, D!" he shouted to someone in the background. "You finna ride out wit' homegirl ta-night?" There was another pause, where Joker heard Darryl's characteristic voice reply, '_nah, bruh, she bailed, whas up?'_ Tiny's voice came through again, much louder. "Ki wants us ta' help wit somethin'…Ay, Ki, what we gonna do?"

A wonderful, awful grin spread across Joker's face as he unfolded his arm to stare out over the sea of snow, glistening under the inky black sky.

"I am going to _steal _Christmas."

A/N: SORRY ITS LATE! Had church and all sorts of Christmassy events to go through tonight so anyways, here it is! Next one follows immediately. Music for this chapter- 'You're a Mean One, Mister Grinch' by James Horner, preferably the version from the movie with Jim Carrey. Find it on YouTube or on the playlist on playlist . com Leave me a review please! -QoM


	3. Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas

The sun had already long since gone down, the lights in the house had already been turned off and as Jayde slid into bed on the far side, she watched from her place against her pillow as Joker did the same, just next to her. He had lay down on his side, facing her, clearly and silently hoping she was about to scoot up close to him, and although it was fairly tempting, seeing how the sheets were so cold against her warm skin, Jayde could not help but still feel upset and rather angry with him. It was Christmas Eve, and as she turned her back to him, folding her arms over her middle to slide down beneath the blankets, her constantly wandering mind took her back to years past, of all the times she had gone to bed around this same time, feeling excited and somewhat restless. As a child, her parents had been the best Santa Clauses ever, leaving her creatively hand-written notes from the North Pole, or leaving fake, snowy footprints on their back patio. Being an only child, she had always woken to heaping mounds of Christmas presents strategically placed around the base of their tree and she would customarily spend the first hour or two of Christmas morning tearing wrapping paper and ribbons apart and squealing excitedly when she saw what was inside.

_Now, _life was very, _very _different. Christmas Day had become just another boring day, where Joker would leave the house and she would struggle to find something to do. She would wake up, feel a thrill of momentary, false excitement then sink back down into sadness and disappointment. A heavy sigh raised and lowered her side as she closed her eyes against the cool purple pillow beneath her head. Perhaps in a few days, on New Years Eve, she could convince Joker to let her watch the ball drop and even count down backwards from ten with her…_Probably not…_

Behind Jayde, lay the Joker, on his back, his eyes wide open and staring up at the ceiling as he struggled with great difficulty to keep his foot from jiggling excitedly beneath the sheets. Fortunately, over the past year, Joker had learned and practically memorized Jayde's habits, as much as he liked to pretend he hadn't. She was usually fairly fast to fall asleep and lately, had taken to waking up before him. As Joker lay behind her, listening carefully to the sounds of her soft breathing, he waited, less than patiently for the telltale sigh she always let out when she was finally slipping into a deep sleep.

Seeing how Jayde was usually a pretty light sleeper, it was of pure luck that Joker was so good at keeping his movement silent. The layout of the inside of his bedroom was burned into his mind like a cattle brand so even in the pitch darkness, it would be more than easy for him to quickly reach beneath the bed and retrieve the bundle of clothing he had placed there earlier. He would then slink from the room, close the door behind him silently and go quickly change in the bathroom. Earlier, he had told Tiny and Darryl to be standing outside the garage at exactly eleven-thirty, and as Joker slowly raised his arm to glance at his watch, he took a quiet breath in as he read the time '11:08' in the dim light from the window behind the bed. And _then…_

Beside him, Jayde gave one last heaving, great breath of air as she finally slipped into a deep slumber, but as tempting as it was to just jump right up out of the bed, Joker moved slowly, knowing if he were to bump the mattress too hard, she would roll right over and ask '_where are you going?' _He would then be forced to come up with some clever lie as to where he could possibly be going at this time. So after taking a deep breath in, Joker held it in as he sat up slowly, inching his legs to the side until his feet could rest on the soft carpet below the bed. Then as gently as he could, using his legs as much as possible, Joker stood up, still holding his breath as he glanced behind him to where Jayde was still laying on her side with her back to him, apparently still sound asleep.

Leaning down, Joker cringed when his knees gave two quiet pops in the silence and for a second or two, he remained crouched beyond the edge of the bed, listening intently for any sound of movement up above him. Wonderful, relieving silence met him once again so after sliding his clothes quietly from underneath the bed, he bundled them up in his arms, grabbed his pair of military style boots and crouched slowly, silently to the door.

Being such a smart mother fucker, Joker had thought ahead and had left the door cracked slightly, versus closing it all the way, making it easy and effortless to just fit one finger between the wood and the frame, to push it open slowly until he was left with a space large enough to creep through. From there, it was more than easy to stealthily close the door behind him, making double sure it latched completely before he moved on to the bathroom, pausing once inside to shut the door behind him before turning on the light.

He was met in the mirror with his own, excited and heavily scarred reflection. His green hair was messy and rather frizzy but he spent no extra time examining this before slipping quickly out of his pajama pants and stepping into the camouflage. Within his chest, his heart gave a small pang of ache as he remembered very clearly the last time he had put these pants on and the life-altering events that had followed but again, in an effort to avoid wasting time, he pushed past it, buttoning the material low on his hips before quickly sliding his black leather belt through the loops.

Fortunately, he had thought ahead earlier to change into his long sleeved, black shirt before 'going to bed' so this saved him yet another step in his rush to get dressed. But as Joker stood up from leaned over, lacing the black boots up to his shins, his eyes fell onto a small, black zip-up bag sitting innocently, temptingly on the shelf next to the mirror.

It had been so long, almost three months, since had opened it and as his mind pictured the three small compacts of red, white and black greasepaint within it, his heart gave yet another, stronger pang of hurt. He had not worn his characteristic face of makeup since the night of Tre's death and had not been given a circumstance in which he felt it was necessary. But then again…how often does one get the chance to _steal _Christmas? Maybe it was time to bring out the old Joker face again…Maybe it was time he started living up to his name again…

Fifteen minutes later, Joker emerged from the bathroom, sighing happily as he privately and silently admired the cool, slick feel of the familiar greasepaint on his skin, the way the black around his eyes somehow helped him to see better in the dark. He had not noticed it at first, but he had _really _missed wearing his characteristic face; it just felt so right, so perfectly in place on his skin…He could not let it go that long without wearing it again.

As he walked to the garage door, Joker let out a quiet snort of a laugh through his nose when he mentally predicted the way Tiny and D-boy would look at him when he emerged from the darkness, his face painted into that grotesque smile. They had already told him they had seen the news from Gotham, the posted pictures of him when he had been on the run and wreaking havoc at every turn but they had yet to see him up close and personal when he was feeling his most dangerous and unpredictable. _Hopefully they wont be too scared…_he thought with another quiet giggle.

His trusty, double-barrel shotgun was sitting exactly where he had left it, just inside the doorway to Tre's room, loaded, cleaned and ready to go. True, it was a little…_overkill,_ seeing how it was rather large and surprisingly heavy, but as far as intimidation went, Joker had yet to encounter a person that did not practically melt into a useless puddle of terrified goo when they saw that weapon at his side. So after grabbing that and a few more rounds of buck-shot from the dresser, he slid the extra ammo into his baggy, camouflage pocket and made a beeline to the garage door.

Glancing down at his watch as he stepped outside, Joker's dark-accustomed eyes saw that the time currently stood at 11:29 and he grinned proudly to himself. His timing was always impeccable, he had made a habit of that. And just as he had asked them to do, Tiny and Darryl were standing just outside the garage door after he had walked over and pulled it up slowly and quietly. The two black guys turned to face him and the red paint in the grooves of his scars stretched ridiculously as he grinned widely at them from the shadows of the dark garage.

"Nice of you to be on time, fellas," he told them in a growl, relishing in the surprised and somewhat taken back expressions on their faces. It seemed Darryl wasn't sure what to say so as usual, Tiny spoke first, pointing momentarily at Joker's painted face.

"God_ damn, _bro-…" he started, shaking his head slowly back and forth, his eyes carrying what Joker recognized as a slight look of awe. "It's no wonder people are so fuckin' scared a' you…You look like a straight-up demon, nigga…"

At this, Joker lifted his chin, grinning toothily as he placed a black, gloved hand on his chest. "Why thank you," he replied, before turning abruptly and walking away, leaving both Tiny and Darryl to glance at each other, as though they had not been expecting him to take that as a compliment.

At the back door to the Escalade, Joker paused, nibbling on his bottom lip as he thought of something he had forgotten inside. Pulling the keys from his pocket, he tossed them to Tiny, who jumped when they hit him in the stomach, as he had not even been looking at the Joker.

"Tiny, you're driving. Darryl, you get in the back," he instructed, pointing at the appropriate doors as he walked past the Escalade, back toward the garage door. "I just gotta get one more thing then we're outta here."

Once satisfied that the two guys were following his directions, Joker slipped back into the house, as quietly as he could, and walked straight into the living room. Earlier, he had noticed that Jayde had forgotten to throw out only one of her Christmas items and he had snatched it up quickly before she could spot it, stuffing it down deep between the cushions of the couch. And there it remained until he had only just remembered it. The furry, red and white Santa hat lay crumpled and wrinkled where he had left it and although this truly went against everything he stood for, there was something about wearing it while going to do the exact opposite of what the fictional Santa Claus did, that he could not resist. The irony was just too irresistible.

Tiny and Darryl both looked over as Joker bounded back out into the garage, pausing only momentarily to lock the door to the house behind him and within seconds, he was climbing into the back, right seat of the Escalade, next to where Darryl had been told to sit. He took an excited breath in, patting his knees impatiently as he rocked forward to peer up at Tiny, the black rings around his eyes stretching as he raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"Uh…Any day now, _Rudolph…_"

With a quick roll of his eyes, Tiny started the Escalade and it instantly began to move backward, sliding slowly and carefully from the garage but as he stopped in the driveway, and glanced back, Joker shook his head.

"No, we're gonna leave the door up while we're gone," he explained. "Just take us downtown to Main. We got a stop to make first."

Being that it was indeed late on Christmas Eve, the streets were fairly empty, most of the shops and businesses already closed for the night. And yet despite how dark and shut down everything appeared, as they rounded the corner onto Main street, that giant monstrosity of a Christmas tree was still lit in the center square, its lights still burning brightly like a beacon of holiday spirit. The tree stood easily between fifteen to twenty feet tall, towering over the rest of the small park and plaza around it and as Tiny pulled up along the round-about that encircled the tree, Joker was already beside himself and giggling with excitement. Leaning forward, he pulled the leather pouch open on the back of the seat in front of him and reached down inside, feeling blindly for the small liquor bottle and zippo lighter he had placed in there earlier while Jayde had been distracted. Beside him, Darryl's eyes had grown wide.

"Whatchu finna do wit' that?" he asked, his voice carrying a hint of something that almost sounded like slight panic, but Joker ignored his question and instead looked to Tiny.

"You guys stay here," he instructed, leaning down to glance up at the giant tree through the heavily tinted window. His lips curled into a sinister grin. "I'll be _right _back…"

With that, Joker jumped out of the Escalade before rounding the back and stepping up onto the curb, uncapping the cleverly disguised bottle of gasoline as he went. Up close, the tree was even more massive than he had assumed. Even if he had stood on his toes and reached up as high as he could, the tips of his fingers could have just barely reached a quarter of the way up and with a slight pang, Joker wondered if he had even brought enough gas for the whole thing. It was always worth a shot, he figured and as he began walking around the base of the tree, he reached out with his left hand, sprinkling the gas liberally on the lowest branches.

"_Oh, Christmas tree…Oh, Christmas treeeeee….." _he sang in a low growl from behind gritted teeth as he pulled the zippo from his pocket, to flip it open and spark the flint. "_How lovely are your braaaanches…" _

And with that, he just barely touched the flame from the lighter to one of the more saturated branches before jumping back as it immediately burst into flames. As he had predicted, the fire began spreading quickly as if burning through tissue paper and as Joker turned to walk away briskly, he held out his hands to either side of him, wiggling his fingers as he delighted in the sound of the crackling and popping of burning lights and exploding ball ornaments from behind him. At the Escalade, a few yards away, Tiny had rolled down the window and was now watching the fire eat its way up the tree with his jaw hanging slack and his small eyes widened.

"What was the point a' that?" he asked loudly as Joker skipped down off the curb to round the front of the Escalade. With another giggle, he flung open the back, right door and climbed in.

"Gotta distract those pesky piggies," he explained, not even bothering to look back as Tiny pulled the Escalade away from the curb quickly and turned down the nearest side road. "Plus, it's _so _pretty!"

It was not long before the sound of fire engine sirens and police car wailing filled the quiet night air of downtown Chicago, but Joker knew by the time they got all of their equipment ready to douse the tree in water, it would by then be far too late. All that would be left come morning would be a dripping and soggy, metal frame where that lovely tree had once stood. All the families that had wanted to have their pictures made there on Christmas morning would be disappointed and Joker could not help but feel completely and totally proud of himself for thoroughly ruining their mornings. The only Christmas morning he cared about saving was Jayde's. All the other nog-sucking cheer-mongers could go fuck themselves.

After instructing Tiny to take the Escalade to the rich, upper-class part of town, it was only about five minutes before they reached their destination. Every home on this street was two stories, with giant sprawling front lawns and ornate driveways on which they had placed a few tasteful decorations. Fortunately, the snow was not piled as high as it was in the poor part of town, which made peering into the front windows of each home relatively easy. Joker had always wondered why rich people did not invest in blinds or drapes over their large, picture windows but he figured it had something to do with them wanting everyone outside to look in and wish longingly that they had as much money and as much nice shit as they did.

At one particular house, near the far end of the street, Joker leaned forward as his keen eyes spotted a large, glittering Christmas tree through the window, sitting toward the middle of the room, several feet from the huge, pane-less window.

"Wooooah-ho-ho…" he said loudly, as if attempting to stop his reindeer. "I think we've found the tree! It's so shiny!…" he exclaimed, trying so hard not to laugh at his own cleverness. "So turn us around and STEP ON IT, TINY!" he shouted the last bit of his rhyme, cackling with laughter as surprisingly, Tiny understood what he meant and within seconds, the Escalade was zooming backwards through the snow-laden front yard toward the window…Several things happened all at the same time.

The backend of the Escalade went crashing through the window, into the front of the house, like a giant, black wrecking ball through toy blocks, Joker jumped up out of his seat and into the extended back of the SUV, where he had already though to lower the back row of seats so create a flat bed. Darryl followed him, to Joker's surprise and delight, and as both jumped down from the tailgate of the truck, Joker heard Tiny call out.

"What you want me to do?" he shouted, turning as far as he could to look back through the Escalade to where Joker now stood inside the family's home. He shrugged.

"Just sit there and look jolly!"

In perfect sync, Joker and Darryl took off toward the huge Christmas tree in the center of the room, kicking wrapped presents and a coffee table out of their way and within seconds, they were carrying it hastily to the back of the Escalade. Of course, Joker could barely see from laughing so hard so he relied on the bowing of the branches and the sound of ball ornaments breaking to tell him when it was in as far as it could go. Across from him, on the other side of the large tree's wide girth, Darryl was saying something.

"Is there even anyone home righ'-…" he went to ask but just then, the sound of a frightened, falsely confident male voice caught their attention.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

Joker spun to face the room, squinting slightly through the dark until his eyes found a small family of two small children, a wife and the husband standing on the stairs, toward the top. A devilish grin stretched his scars as he pulled that faithful shotgun from the back of the Escalade from beneath the tree.

"I'm stealing your Christmas, see?" he asked spiritedly, holding out both gloved hands toward the tree beside him. "And if you just go back upstairs, no one will get hurt…ya know, spirit of Christmas an' all that…" he then added with a hefty roll of his black-ringed eyes.

The shorter man across from them took a few steps down toward the lower floor of his wealthy home but jumped when Joker suddenly raised the shot gun and his arms immediately rose into the air, his hands shaking noticeably.

"Who _are _you?" the man then shouted angrily, watching as the Joker took a step back and glanced about himself, reaching out quickly for the fallen strand of large Christmas lights that had come down from the lower façade of the house and caught on the top lip of the Escalade's frame. With a yank, he ripped them down before tossing them into the back of the SUV with the tree. The Joker then shrugged, tossing both hands and that heavy gun as he climbed backwards into the lowered tailgate of the Escalade…just as police sirens began to fill the air from in the distance.

"I'm the Joker that stole Christmas!" he finally answered, flashing one last crazy smile as he pulled up the bottom half of the tail gate to latch it firmly. "Have a good holiday!"

And with that, the Escalade lurched forward, crumbling more of the house's front wall as it pulled away, flinging snow and dirt up into the air as the tires spun wildly back through it's previous tracks. Up in the front seat, Tiny was shouting but Joker was too busy laughing to hear him very clearly.

"Ki, here come the fuzz!" he eventually heard him say and sure enough, as bitter winter wind whipped past the open back window, Joker looked out, only to let a momentary frown onto his face when his eyes spotted those familiar blue and red lights down at the far end of the street from which they had just come.

"Alright so fuckin' drive! Get us back to the house and I'll take care of the rest!" he shouted in return, fixing his face into a determined expression as though the CPD had just declared all-out war on him. They were gaining ground quickly but Tiny had now taken the Escalade up to almost seventy miles an hour down the long stretch of rich neighborhood street and Joker was just about to reach into the cupholder beside him in the back of the truck when Tiny suddenly made a right turn, causing the back end of the Escalade to fishtail slightly. Joker and Darryl were both thrown to the side, Darryl into the window and Joker into the prickly tree but he ignored this and instead burst into loud, manic cackles as he watched several of the lighter police cars skid out of control behind them at the corner. Across the tree from him, Darryl was shouting.

"IF I GET ARRESTED, IMMA KILL YOU, KI!"

This only forced Joker's laughter up to a whole new level, but as more of those cop cars came sliding around the corner and began gaining speed again, Joker forced himself to focus and continue with reaching toward that cupholder.

"Would it help if I killed you first?" he shouted in reply, giggling as he pulled the large plastic cup of nails and other assorted sharp objects from the holder beside him. However, he did not wait for an answer and instead leaned out of the back of the Escalade slightly with his hand extended, jiggling the cup so about half of the nails and sharps sprinkled out on the street behind them and scattered. Moments later, the loud popping, exploding noise of bursting tires filled the night air, clearly audible over the sound of the roaring engine and the front row of three police cruisers suddenly slowed and skidded to halts, in turn stalling the cars behind them as they formed a makeshift barricade across the street. Across from Joker, Darryl was now cheering.

"HOLY SHIT! I can't believe that shit worked!"

Joker ignored him, turning slightly to glance through the tree's branches to where Tiny was in the driver's seat, focused heavily on what he was doing.

"Tiny! How close are we?" he shouted, straining his ears over the loud engine and now distant wailing of the slowly gaining, undamaged cop cars.

"About ten seconds! Hold on!" he yelled his reply. A split second later, Joker was thrown into the tree again as Darryl hooked yet another right onto Lincoln and within three seconds, turned right again into a familiar driveway, pulling up quickly into the garage.

As quick as a flash, Joker and Darryl jumped from the back of the Escalade, reaching up hastily to pull the heavy door down to the ground, the rubber stop at the bottom of the door meeting the concrete, only a split seconds before the sound of slushing tires racing through melted snow and the screaming of sirens went flying past the house. A moment or two of silence passed as Tiny came waddling around the corner of the Escalade and all three of the guys, hesitated, their eyes wide as they stared off into the darkness, listening intently for any sounds of police beyond the door, but luckily, the sound of the sirens continued to fade off into the distance, leaving all three of the guys to laugh simultaneously and reach out, clapping each other on the shoulders and bumping fists in celebration.

Nearly twenty minutes later, after Tiny and Darryl had helped him bring the tree inside, Joker sent them on their way, promising that he would bring some Christmas compensation over for their services the next day. Now, with his stomach grumbling hungrily and a good amount of excess adrenaline and excitement coursing through his veins, Joker was just left with the task of decorating but wasn't really sure where to begin…He supposed the trash can beneath the sink might be a good start…

"JAAAAAAAAYDE!"

For the third time in just over a week, Jayde woke with a jump and a gasp as a familiar, heavy body landed on the bed just next to her with a bounce. But instead of groaning comfortably and yet happily into the pillow, Jayde immediately swung out her fist, with every intention of punching him as hard as her sleepy body could manage. However, as something large and warm caught her wrist, she turned onto her back, opening her eyes slowly, only to find the Joker's animated face just inches from her own. She sighed irritably.

"Joker, please go away…" she breathed. "I'm really not in the mood for this seeing how…" Here, she cut her sentence short, finding herself unwilling to admit aloud that she was beyond disappointed about her Christmas being ruined. From above her, when she had half-expected his expression to fade quickly into anger, she was mildly surprised when his grin expanded and the manic, excited glaze over his eyes softened.

"You just woke up, Jaybird…" he cooed lightly, leaning down to press a gentle kiss to the very tip of her nose. "-so how do you know what you're in the mood for?"

For some reason, and she was not sure why, his use of the name 'Jaybird' always caused her heart to melt into a giant puddle, no matter how angry or upset she was and despite how irritated she was feeling currently, she sighed, sliding her eyes closed again as a tiny bit of her frustration faded.

"What did you want, Joker…" she asked flatly a few seconds later. "I'd really like to go back to sleep."

Again, Joker giggled from above her, but before Jayde could throw her weight into resisting, he had backed away from leaned over her and pulled her by the wrist into a sitting position on the bed.

"I wanted to show you what Santa brought you last night…" he explained, his voice softer than usual as his grin once again expanded to near foolish proportions. At this, Jayde's eyes flew open and her heart leapt, but she swallowed her excitement back down to roll her eyes miserably.

"If you did something to the plastic Santa, I don't care…I was just going to throw it away today anywa-" she was in the middle of groaning, but Joker cut her off with a loud growl of frustration.

"Fine," he started, reaching out over the bed to slide one of his strong arms beneath her legs with the other behind her back. "If you don't wanna walk, I'll _carry _you."

Reluctantly, Jayde allowed him to slide her from the edge of the bed, hoist her up into his arms against his chest and carry her to the open doorway leading out into the hallway. As irritated as she still was at him, Jayde could not stop herself from grinning girlishly to herself; she loved it when he carried her. But as they stepped into the hallway and to the threshold where the carpet met the hardwood of the living room, that girlish grin slid rapidly from Jayde's face, into a stunned and rather dumbfounded stare. Every inch of the living room had been redecorated and practically glowed with flashing Christmas lights. She struggled hastily against his chest to be set down on her feet.

An absolutely monstrous, real pine Christmas tree had been placed on the far side of the room, against the front door, the blue and white lights twinkling beautifully at her as she approached it cautiously, as though afraid it might suddenly burst into flames or explode if she stepped too close. However, as she walked right up to it and reached out gingerly to touch one of the soft, fluffy branches, no sound of crackling fire or explosions filled the air and instead, her ears picked up the faint sound of quiet Christmas music playing from somewhere unseen. Her eyes still wide with amazement, Jayde spun quickly to face Joker where he stood on the other side of the room, smiling with his hands in his pockets and that Santa hat now placed crookedly on his acid green head. Jayde shook her head slowly.

"You did this?" she asked incredulously. Joker rocked back on the heels of his black boots and only then did Jayde notice he was wearing his camouflage pants.

"Yep." He answered with a strong nod of his head, the white tassel at the tip of the red hat swinging. Jayde paused, turning her head to glance back at the tree behind her.

"You went out and bought a tree last night?"

"Yep."

"…Are you lying?"

"Yep."

"…You stole it, didn't you…"

"Yep." He answered yet again with another silly nod of his head. At this, Jayde finally smiled, letting out an excited, girly giggle as she trotted across the living room to rise up onto her very tip toes and throw her arms around his neck. Her lips collided with his partially greasepainted cheek as he leaned down slightly to wrap his arms behind her back.

"Thank you so much, Joker…" she whimpered against the soft material of his black shirt. A moment later, her excitement took over again and she pulled back, laughing. "You did all this last night?" she asked in astonishment, motioning now to all the strung up garland, lights and ornaments he had obviously dug out of the trash. Above her, Joker nodded proudly yet again and Jayde shook her head. "You didn't sleep at all? Aren't you tired?" Joker shrugged.

"Nah, I'm ok," he answered. "I've probably got another couple of hours in me before I need to pass-" Just then, he cut himself off to let his eyes roll to the top of his head and he doubled slightly until his forehead could collide heavily with her shoulder. A loud, fake snore came rumbling out of him a moment later and Jayde laughed, reaching up to grip his shoulders and push him back up into a standing position. He grinned down at her from behind half-lidded, admittedly sleepy eyes.

"Well, try to stay awake for a few more minutes." She instructed, shifting him slightly so she could move around him. "I have something for you." She then added, giggling again as she bounced away from him to disappear into the bedroom. Joker watched her go, smirking to himself for several moments, privately wondering why the fuck he felt so good about what he had chosen to do, but with a jolt, he remembered he had actually wrapped a present for Jayde as well.

Less than a minute later, Jayde was walking back into the living room, holding something behind her back but as her eyes fell onto Joker's sitting on the couch with a short, round, sloppily wrapped package in his lap, she paused, her grin fading once again in surprise. Joker's face lit up into a giant, foolish grin as he held out the present to her with both hands.

"You go first." He put simply.

With her smile once again attacking her face, Jayde quickly set Joker's present down, gently, before she plopped down onto the couch next to him and took the sloppily wrapped gift from him. But as she held it in her hands, that smile faded slightly when she squished the circular present with her fingers.

"This…feels like a roll of toilet paper." She stated dully, using her thumb nail to dig into the plain brown paper and tear it open. "…This _is _a roll of toilet paper."

There in her hands sat a brand new roll of white, fluffy toilet paper from their own bathroom and as Jayde rolled her eyes, Joker grinned, pointing at it with one finger.

"Not everything is just as it appears, darling." He growled, grinning when Jayde looked quickly back down at the roll of toilet paper in her lap. Her eyes then finally fell onto a smaller roll of purple tissue paper within the inner cardboard roll of the toilet paper. Beside her, Joker's chin came to rest gently on her shoulder and he watched, grinning as she pulled the purple paper out, before reaching over to set the now useless roll of toilet paper in Joker's lap. Somewhat hesitantly, Jayde glanced sideways at her shoulder where Joker sat watching and she grinned as the fading rings of black paint around his eyes stretched when he raised his eyebrows expectantly.

So taking him at his unspoken word, Jayde trusted that he had not put anything gross in there and she reached down, gently plucking at the purple tissue until it began to come away from what had been placed inside the bundle. Her jaw fell open so hard it hurt as the edge of something sparkly and crystalline was revealed to her. A moment later, Jayde gasped unabashedly as she pulled from within the purple tissue a wide, diamond bracelet that glimmered and caught the glare from all the Christmas lights around them. Two rows of larger diamonds lined the outside of the bracelet, while two rows of smaller stones, interspaced with tiny, purple, amethyst gems sat in the middle. Now completely blown away and almost tempted to believe this was all a cruel dream, Jayde turned her head to stare wide-eyed up at Joker.

"J-…Joker…I-…" she stammered at first but Joker cut over her, rolling his eyes.

"I've been meaning to give you this for a while now and I wasn't sure when I could without it being…stupid or cheesy so…uh…yeah." He explained somewhat awkwardly and Jayde could tell he was debating heavily on whether or not to say the words 'Merry Christmas'. Honestly, she did not need him to and instead of waiting any longer, she leaned up toward him, using her hand to pull gently on the back of his neck until their lips could meet. However, Jayde was so excited to put on her new bracelet that she pulled away after only a few moments, licking her lips as she worked to fasten the expensive, fancy clasp around her wrist. It fit her perfectly.

"Thank you so much, Joker…It's beautiful, I don't even know what to say!" she squealed, giggling as Joker grinned down at her, his brown eyes growing more and more tired by the second. Just then, with a jolt, she remembered the long, slender package she had brought out from the bedroom and she leaned down, pulling it up into her lap. "Ok, it's your turn."

Beside her, Joker's face melted into a frown as he pulled the package toward him slowly, running his fingers along the fancy, silver and gold wrapping paper. His forehead wrinkled as he furrowed his eyebrows.

"Baseball bat?" he asked, clearly after judging the length and width of the box and Jayde could only grin excitedly as she shrugged.

"Not everything is just as it appears, darling…" she purred, giggling as he rolled his eyes at her use of his own words against him. "Just open it."

Joker started at the end nearest him, pulling the tape apart before ripping the paper away, only to reveal a white box within. He opened his mouth as the paper fell to the floor but Jayde interrupted him before he could even speak.

"No, the present is not a box. Keep going." She said with another roll of her eyes.

Then…as Joker lifted open the lid of the box, his jaw fell open just as quickly as Jayde's had and he took a long, slow breath in through his open mouth. Inside the box, sat a long, slender, silver sword, sitting atop it's own silver sheath, the hilt of the thing nestled down into the deep red, velvet silken material beneath it. Joker blinked slowly, running two of his fingers along the freshly sharpened blade within.

"Are…you…_kidding me?" _he exclaimed, turning his head to stare at Jayde in absolute delighted shock as Jayde laughed. "You got me a _sword? _Jayde, holy shit…This is just…"he paused to laugh himself, shaking his head as words completely escaped him…something that was a very rare occurrence for him. "Jayde…" he repeated her name, leaning forward to set the box very carefully on the coffee table before he reached out with both hands, shifting his hips so he could kiss her fully, passionately on the lips, his thumbs gliding along both of her cheeks. Unfortunately, they were forced to separate only a few seconds later as both had started laughing and could not stop once they had pulled away.

Again, Joker shook his head as he looked back over at the box. "Jayde, you really are…just…the most…_perfect _woman." He commented, resting his chin in his hand as he turned his head to look back over at her. "I really mean that. I've…never gotten anything as fucking incredible as that."

Beside him, Jayde giggled, but before Joker could lean over and attempt to kiss her again, she hopped up from the couch and turned to face him, holding out both of her hands to him.

"You know how you can _really _thank me?" she asked, picking up the remote to the tv, to turn it up once she realized that was where the soft Christmas music was coming from. From the blank look on Joker's face across from her, Jayde could tell he had no idea what she was playing at so when he did not reply, she grinned, leaning over the table to take both of his large, rough hands in hers. "Dance with me for just this song." She cooed, trying hard to ignore the goosebumps that covered her arms as one of her favorite, slow Christmas songs came on the tv's radio.

Jayde half expected Joker to groan and tell her she was an idiot for thinking he would even consider doing something like that but as he stood up and draped her arms over his shoulders, she struggled hard to keep herself from going weak in the knees. He really just did not even understand how much she adored him and she did not feel there were enough words in the English language with which she could attempt to tell him. But as her cheek rested gently against his warm, broad chest, she sighed, closing her eyes as he slowly started to rock from side to side, taking her with him as they began to rotate on the spot. The crooning voice from the TV and the slow, rhythmic beat was so soothing and Jayde was just wondering how Joker was managing to stay awake when she felt him take a deep breath in through his nose and exhale slowly against the top of her head.

Joker's eyes had just slid closed when he forced them back open and a tiny grin pulled upward on the edges of his scars as he thought back to a few days prior and how much he had despised Christmas. Honestly, he was not completely in love with the holiday as it still held so much of the things he hated but as he stood there, rocking back and forth with his lady against his chest, he realized…If Jayde liked it, then he could be alright with it. She was literally the only person on the face of that planet Earth that he strived to keep happy and if that meant stealing a tree and staying up all night to decorate the house, then so be it. Jayde was worth it in every possible way.

Beneath his chin, Joker felt Joker copy his previous sigh and just as the song ended, she pulled back, tilting her head to look straight up at him, only for a moment or two before she rose up onto her tip toes and placed one final, gentle kiss on his scarred cheek.

"Merry Christmas, Mister Joker."

THE END

A/N: Now, if you really want to leave me a wonderful Christmas present, leave me a review! And if you have not read the saga of Joker and Jayde, feel free to head on over and start reading at The Sweetest Vice. They are such special characters to me and I think you'll enjoy it. Thanks so much for reading and I wish you and yours a very happy holiday and a wonderful new year. I'll see you in 2012! –QoM

Music for this chapter:

Carol of the Bells- Trans-Siberian Orchestra ft. Metallica

Russian Dance- From the Nutcracker (for the car chase scene)

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas- Michael Buble


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